Guest Written by Meredith Brough

Sometimes babies keep waking at night even after parents have “checked all the boxes.” This can be frustrating and disappointing—for both parents and sleep experts.

But take heart—there’s no reason to give up!

Today, my message comes from a compassionate place, guided by what I’ve learned through research and years of supporting families as a sleep coach and instructor.

When I first began my work as a full-time sleep coach, I believed there were fool-proof steps that would get little ones to sleep for 10-12 hrs, as early as 8 weeks. I had helped 20 little ones sleep like angels by following the same steps. What I didn’t realize was that my success stories all had something in common: the children were fairly easy-going and predictable in nature.

Surprisingly, within a year in the field, I had adopted a new outlook. 

First, I found that some of my clients had really challenging sleep struggles. They were exhausted and stressed out, which limited what they could actually do. I couldn’t expect too much of them, so I learned to slow things down and guide them carefully through the steps they needed to take.

Second, I learned my fool proof system WASN’T so fool proof. Some little ones seemed to fight the system- leaving us with little to show for our work. Some babies were very sensitive and difficult to work with. Other infants were extremely hyper, had FOMO, and fought their sleep. A pair of sensitive, spirited twins stirred and cried, no matter what methods we used to help them sleep.

At the same time, I began researching topics such as temperament, responsive parenting, secure attachment, and coregulation—the development of emotional regulation. I became passionate about responsive parenting because it fosters healthy attachment and supports long-term emotional and mental well-being. I began incorporating these principles into my work and continued moving forward with challenging cases.

With creativity and prayer, these demanding babies began sleeping better—but not as well as we had hoped. They still woke once or twice during the night, and sleep regressions were especially difficult. I missed the wonderful feeling of success I once knew and wanted my clients to feel it too. But I was determined to stay true to the insight I had gained—I didn’t want my clients to force their little ones to sleep well.

One day, while talking with an associate, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that when sensitive and spirited babies continue to wake at night—even after our work is done—there is always a reason or a need that must be met. When parents have done everything they can to improve sleep, night awakenings are happening for a valid reason.

Sensitive and spirited babies are simply wired differently. They can be difficult to work with for parents AND sleep consultants. They NEED MORE from their parents: tenderness, care, sleep support, and patience. 

My advice for parents at the time was to continue doing “all the things” to support healthy sleep habits. But they were also told to be responsive at night, follow their intuition, and stay connected. I reassured them with a prayer in my heart that, in time, things would work out. I was right. Doing everything on the “checklist” worked, but it took time to see the results. Sleep was affected by development, teething, milestones, and growth spurts, but eventually, it lengthened out and deepened, and regression phases became less noticeable. This continues to hold true today.

A few years ago, I discovered research that suggests there are two different kinds of sleepers: “self-soothers” and “signalers.” 

Signalers are babies who typically need help to fall back asleep after waking at night, often by crying or calling out. Self-soothers are babies who can fall back asleep on their own after waking.

These contrasting sleep temperament types seemed to match the scenarios I was seeing in my work! While other factors can play a role, in my experience, “self-soothers” are naturally easygoing. They are what I call “angel” and “textbook” babies. (This is from Tracy Hogg’s book, The Baby Whisperer.) Angel babies are exactly that- easy to take care of, to calm, and get to sleep. These are what I like to call “chill” babies.

Textbook babies are predictable—what you would expect from a baby—and generally fairly easy to care for. They fall asleep easily with little to no support. Although they get fussy at expected times, they rarely get overly distressed and settle quickly.

It’s no surprise that typical sleep solutions work well for angel and textbook babies (AKA self-soothers). They just need a little nudge, and voilà! They sleep great and rarely have issues. If sleep disruptions pop up, they’re usually easy to fix. Parents might tweak the room temperature, add some white noise, or turn off night lights.

Signalers, on the other hand, are naturally sensitive. Their nervous systems have a harder time switching between rest-and-digest and fight-or-flight responses. Their parents must decode what their cries mean to figure out their needs- which can be difficult at times. Sometimes signalers cry for what seems like no reason at all! They often prefer to be held, though they may need space at times. They also require plenty of parental co-regulation.

With all these challenges, it’s easy to see why signalers often take longer to sleep well. They rely on being soothed and comforted by a parent to fall asleep. Laying them down when they are tired makes them cry. They struggle to calm down unless they are picked up. If parents wait to respond at night, they may fully wake themselves. Parents of babies like these need to stay attuned, patient, and think creatively to help their little ones make progress with sleep.

If your child doesn’t fit neatly into the self-soother or signaler descriptions, that’s completely normal. Every baby is different, falling somewhere on a spectrum of sleep temperaments that affects how easily they fall and stay asleep.

Some babies are natural self-soothers and may sleep through the night by day three. Others become great sleepers once routines are adjusted and they learn to fall asleep on their own. And some may still need a little night support during sickness or teething—and that’s perfectly normal.

If your child isn’t sleeping as well as you would like them to, you might be thinking, “this really explains a lot.” You’ve likely faced a lot of frustration trying to find solutions that truly work. And your child may still not be sleeping independently—common for signalers. Sleep solutions aren’t a one-size-fits-all fix, and your child isn’t built for independence just yet. They’re constantly learning and growing in exciting ways, and independence will come in time. For now, their emotional needs require your steady, consistent care.

Here’s why:

1. Responsive, around-the-clock parenting lays the foundation for your child’s long-term health, happiness, and overall well-being.
2. Meeting your child’s emotional needs now helps them develop independence more naturally in the near future.

When you look at it this way, those nighttime wake-ups with your child won’t feel quite as overwhelming. 

With the guidance of a sleep consultant, some signalers start sleeping through the night between 6 and 12 months, others by 2–3 years, and a smaller number may take even longer. If you’re facing these challenges, it’s wise to check with your doctor to rule out any health issues that could be affecting sleep.

My first child was a signaler—he’s 26 now. I was exhausted and living in survival mode for the first year and a half. I wish I had known a sleep consultant back then; I wouldn’t have felt so terrified when I got pregnant with my second child. Waking up once or twice a night, or dealing with occasional sleep regressions (or “progressions”), is so much easier to manage than getting up every hour, feeling anxious all night, or holding your child in a chair, afraid you might fall asleep.

Better sleep will come with time. Keep learning, stay connected, and trust your intuition as a parent—eventually, all your efforts will pay off.

Learn more about this topic: 

• https://thoughtfulparent.com/difficult-baby.html
• https://thoughtfulparent.com/baby-temperament.html
• https://www.sweetslumbertime.com/self-soother-vs-signalers

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